Reporting To You Live From The Fox Den
*Dramatic keyboard music* “Welcome to channel-” Ugh! Enough news already for a hot minute.
It is true, however, I am reporting to you from the Fox Den. I have been doing my duty as a responsible citizen during a pandemic and staying put. Each morning, I wake up thinking to myself, “I probably shouldn’t have drank so much boxed wine last night,” and then proceed to spend the next eight hours trying to come up with ways to feel useful.
At 7:00pm, I stand on my balcony and scream and shout in gratitude for every person that does not have the option to stay home, here and across the world. The front line workers who are working harder than ever to save lives. The essential service workers who are risking their own personal health so that we don’t go without. I scream and shout! I scream and shout!
As I look at the all apartment towers around me, from left to right, up and down, I am overcome with tears at the sight of so many smiling faces. Then, as the sounds of hands clapping and pots clacking, begins to echo down the back alleys, wave through the city streets and crescendo high up in the sky, I am filled with a sense of hope and strength, that no matter how long this takes, we will come out on the other side.
Sweet Meryl now I am getting a little verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. I’ll give you a topic. The Tiger King is neither a Tiger nor a King. Discuss.
Okie dokie moving right along. Just like everyone else in the world, I am taking this pandemic one day at a time. I can honestly tell you right now that some days are better than others, that is for sure. While physically I still have my health – knock on wood – mentally, I feel as if, depending on the minute, hour or latest breaking news story, my emotions are on a spin wheel, and all I can do is sit and wait to see where it lands.
“Like an internet modem on the fritz, in the hours that passed I took a deep breath and acknowledged the fact that I had to fully disconnect before I could get back online.”
Yesterday, I woke up with an anxiety that I just couldn’t seem to shake. It wasn’t the cerebral stress that played out last week. The broken record of “What if’s?” repeating non-stop: “What if I can’t pay my rent?” “What if my family and friends get sick?” “What if this?” “What if that?” “What if?” “What if?” “What if?” Thanks to a bearded Prime Minister and goateed Premier, that track came to a screeching halt with news that financial support is on the way.
The stress that swept me off my feet this week didn’t have a voice. I knew it was there though because of three reasons:
(1) For the life of me, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t put my phone down. For hours, I couldn’t stop scrolling through Instagram/Facebook/New York Times/CBC/Gmail, then scrolling again through Instagram/Facebook/New York Times/CBC/Gmail, then strolling again through Instagram/Facebook/New York Times/CBC/Gmail. In order to stop, I literally had to tear my index finger away from the phone before I smashed it against the wall.
(2) I felt an enormous weight pressing down on me whenever a comforting message arrived. A missed video call from a family member, a silent text message inquiring “Are you okay?” and another quarantine meme. Instead of feeling uplifted, like a normal person, I felt the exact opposite. Like I was sinking deeper and deeper into the couch with each life raft that was thrown my way. “No I am not okay!” “Leave me alone!”
(3) And finally, I knew wine and my other vices would not help to calm me down. Not this time. This was the kind of anxiety that was going to catch me no matter how fast I ran or how hard I tried to hide.
And so I stopped.
I put my white flag up in the air, poured a cup of peppermint tea and absolved myself from any guilt or shame I had about feeling anxious.
“I am stressed,” I said. “Alright, I guess this is where the wheel has spun. It will spin again.”
Like an internet modem on the fritz, in the hours that passed I took a deep breath and acknowledged the fact that I had to fully disconnect before I could get back online.
These days, I am continually inspired by the positivity and resilience I have witnessed in the wake of such global devastation. As the numbers of infection continue to rise in the coming weeks, and what was unprecedented today becomes even more extraordinary tomorrow, I will do my part in this viral war to stay calm, hopeful and most importantly, at home.
For the life of me, I never thought I’d say this, but I can’t wait to get back to serving tables.
Signing off but just for now, my love and support goes out to you and your loved ones from the Fox Den.
RF
