Operation Seduce Pandemic Pete
Okay. So full stop. (What is this a telegram?) This question has been burning on my ginger mind as of late. Is there a difference between stalking someone and simply gazing out the window?
I wasn’t going to bring it up but now that you mention it; I had to scale back full efforts of “Operation Seduce Pandemic Pete” as soon as I discovered the mission had been compromised. At first, like Cher Horowitz in Clueless, I brainstormed ways I could draw attention to myself. Since small gestures, like sending myself flowers, or drawing attention to my mouth with a box of chocolates, would prove futile; I had to get creative.
If Pandemic Pete was going to notice me – and how could he not? I was going to have to go big or go back on Grindr. “I can be sweeping, I can be dramatic,” I told myself, “heck, I was practically born to parade.” Not to mention, I had a balcony at my disposal – a practical stage to perform upon. If my seduction was a dance – no, better yet, a three-act play, the Cole’s Notes would look something like this:
“Operation Seduce Pandemic Pete,” a play in three acts.
The entirety of this questionable work of art is set on RUGGED FOX’s balcony at the Fox Den, which faces on to the back lane and looks yonder into the apartment of Pandemic Pete. It is super low-budge.
Act One:
The curtain goes up to reveal Rugged Fox, handsome as F and with a full head of hair, it is morning. Robed in lavender terry cloth, the budding thirty-something takes a sip of hot coffee from his personalized mug, and then opening his mouth and rolling back his eyes, unleashes the most gigantic and drawn-out yawn the audience has ever heard.
“A make-shift Chewbacca-esque mating call of sorts,” as one NYT reviewer described it, “the hair-raising wail of unbridled passion shot the tales of every skunk in the back alley straight up in the air.”
“As the audience is blinded by a flood of green light, the solo ginger recites a monologue that is incoherent at best. ”
As the first act concludes, it turns out to be nothing more than a fashion show/sponsored ad for wine. As Rugged stumbles from backstage in a series of different outfits, with a variety of pink and red beverages in hand, the audience is left wondering, like Pandemic Pete, what the heck is going on. And, will he fall off the balcony?
Act Two:
It is night-time, and as the big dipper teeters over Ted Northe Lane, Rugged Fox plugs in a green stage light and uncorks a bottle of bubbles. As the audience is blinded by a flood of green light, the solo ginger recites a monologue that is incoherent at best. In the time it takes him to finish the bottle of sparkling wine, he concludes his tirade by dropping to his knees, smashing the champagne flute, and screaming out, “I AM YOUR DAISY BUCHANAN JAY GATSBY! COME AND GET ME. I AM RIGHT HERE!”
NOTE: In fear of a potential lawsuit, this act was later removed from the play after the Davie Street Safeway light scandal of May 2020. Read “New Vancouver Safeway Becomes World’s First Supermarket To Be Visible From Space,” here.
Act Three:
The most dramatic act of all! If that is even possible! Rugged is devastated to find that as pandemic restrictions ease, the object of his affection, who has been isolated for months, is joined by what can only be described as a female companion. As the two embrace in what can only be described as a heterosexual fashion, Rugged retreats back inside his junior one-bedroom apartment, shuts the blinds and the curtain closes. Le Fin.
Okay, so to answer my original question. Is there a difference between stalking someone and simply gazing out the window? Heaps! So much I could write a play about it.
